Scientists have long believed in the existence of a parallel universe. I've proof there's a whole other world out there. It's called Homespun Mothering. I've known for a long time, but try not to visit because it magnifies the unhealthy dysfunction of my own.
Homespun Mothering loves simple living and designs children's clothes from all natural materials. She lives with her husband and sons, Jaxson, with an 'x' and Matrix. She's a 20 something mama who loves to sew, read, cook, write and is passionate about living green. She even sewed her own cloth diapers. She's also an exceptional photographer.
She writes about how much comfort she finds in rituals like waking up, jogging, showering, dressing, and going downstairs to cook breakfast. "You eat, then clean. Washing dishes by hand is such a blessing. The meditation of the whole activity brings me such peace. The floors are then swept. Laundry is put in the washer. Then it's off for an activity. Morning snack preparation, clean up, wash dishes..."
Homespun makes her own vanilla extract and is so grateful for the many pints of heirloom tomatoes she preserved last fall to make homemade soup for dinner this winter. She wants to ask people on the street why they're so selfish to dare drink water from plastic bottles. She's also strongly opposed to soft toilet paper cuz you have to cut down older trees for it. And those sweet little crates clementines come in, are re-purposed all around her house.
"We actually start everyday with a smoothie. Blueberries, almond milk, banana, spinach, walnuts, peanut butter and honey. It is delish - even the kids LOVE it." She's the kind of person who says things like, "delish," and, "Today when you leave the polling place, take a moment to remember the women who 90 years ago fought so hard for the right to vote."
What irritates me is the implication all the rest of us wouldn't have thought that without her coaxing and the word, "delish." Personally I've never once voted without remembering the women who fought for the cause. Many times I don't even like the candidates, but vote cause I have the right. And I never say delish. To be fair, Homespuns not really pretentious, she simply can't help being superior.
To stave off cabin fever during the blizzard, Homespun kept Jaxon and Matrix busy with various activities. How'd she ever think of that? Jaxon, "joyfully helps make homemade waffles with blueberries for breakfast, and several loads of laundry" (which I'm sure was washed dye and perfume free) keeps Matrix, "happy. He loves emptying the clean clothes from the washer and making a mess of neatly folded clothes warm from the dryer." I'll bet she never loses her cool. She folds, he makes a mess, she smiles and refolds. Homespun Mothering loves doing this.
"With Valentine's Day approaching, the three of (them) made homemade cards for dear family and little friends. Some scrap paper, blank cards and a heart-shaped paper puncher combined to make their morning special." While she admits she's certainly, "not the craftiest mama on the block," she thinks, they turned out really cute. For (her) small family, the simplest and easiest activities are usually the most enjoyable. They didn't need to venture out on this too-cold day to make memories and pass the time. Everything they needed was right there."
I'm sure it's just me who thinks Homespun Mothering doesn't really believe she's not the craftiest mom on the block. Don't buy it for a second. When someone blogs instructions on how to clean vomit off a pack n play, I believe they think they're smarter than me. Craftier too. And I'm sure she's right. But I'm not without rituals. I shower occasionally, keep food near my bed and watch tv.
She actually admits to being 'driven nuts' when store clerks don't ask if she brought her own bags. She wrote a post entitled, "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" when, "Jaxon literally," (yes, she says, 'literally') "slid into a dirty, disgusting, stinky cigarette butt. Ewwwwwe. Its bad enough that people are still smoking, leaving a plume of filthy smoke for me to inhale while I'm out for a walk, but to throw the icky butt on the ground just adds insult to injury."
She begged readers to, "forward this post on to every smoker you know." That's only cuz Homespun Mothers don't know any smokers. Forgive me but I think her life's a tad too simple. If cigarette butts and plastic bags bring her to the brink, what would she do with an icky junkie who just slashed his wrists standin in her swept-up kitchen? EWWWWWE!! Can you imagine how many years of dish washing meditation it'd take her to get over that???
It's not just jealousy, guilt, insecurities, not being able to measure up and the word delish that annoy me. It's also that I don't look down on her, but always feel Homespun Mothers look down on me, my Pop Tart and Little Debbie stuffed cupboards and freezer packed with Good Humor. It's like they think they've cornered the Farmers market on simple activities being the most enjoyable and are parent supreme even when they're oldest kid is 4. I can't imagine being that arrogant. Something about Homespun Mothering makes me want to wash down a cigarette and a swiss roll with Evian.
Homespun Mothers are so earthy and natural, they're intrinsically superior. And they boast about it in the most, 'I'm-not-really-boasting-I'm-just-better-than-you-way.' Homespun never misses an opportunity to tell you her granola recipe was on the news and her dusting spray ingredients are the first to come up on Google. She also loves snow. Of fucking course she does. She goes sledding and builds forts. Homespun Mamas have way more energy than Grandma Mom.
In my universe we wipe our butts with ultra soft paper, sometimes even flushable wipes. Mines an old butt and needs extra cush. Long ago I gave up washing dishes by hand and hadn't ever considered it meditation. I was mindful of the fact washing dishes obviously meant we'd been blessed with food, water, soap, dishes and a home, but while pregnant with my fifth child, I added up how many I'd hand washed over twenty years. It was a million. That week I bought a dishwasher and never looked back. How much peaceful meditation can one mom take?
It gets worse. Outta seven kids, I only used cloth diapers two years. Something about that fifth pregnancy. I stopped hand washing dishes and grew too tired to soak, wash, rewash and rinse diapers. Luckily my kids were raised in front of tv and Luvs made Barney diapers. So it worked out. I shudder to think how many disposable diapers aren't biodegrading in landfills because of me. Nothin green about that, more brown I spose. I've a sneaky suspicion Jaxon and Matrix don't know Barney either. And if they do, their moms probably spell it with an 'i'.
My children spend joyful hours with Xbox, DS, Wii, PS2 and cable. We eat as much junk food and sugar as we can find. We get vaccines and drive a van. We use Cascade in the dishwasher, sometimes 3 times a day. We wash our hands with antibacterial soap from Bath and Body Works that I order online so I don't have to go to the mall or get out of bed. And we never do yoga. OMG.
It's a good thing we recycle because if we're nothing we're consumers. My older kids warp their minds by watching Jersey Shore and checking Facebook on their iPods. We buy $40.00 t- shirts and $120.00 gym shoes. My younger ones love Spongebob and eat corn dogs every Friday night. We've gone tea green at best and not from scratch. We're Duncan Hines, ready made cookie dough, technology and completely processed. And while I agree organic farmers have the right to grow non-genetically engineered alfalfa, I don't appreciate being ordered to contact my congressperson immediately.
I envy Homespun Moms. I tried homeschooling, researched Charlotte Mason and Waldorf. But my ex didn't support me so we used an online virtual school which was nightmarish. I'm certain I permanently scarred my children. Homespun Moms make me realize Crazy Mamas should never have kids.
In our house we call and text each other under the same roof. I stay in bed, watch tv and google all day. It's not without merit. Today I learned who Captain Beefcake is, well, was, cuz now he's dead. I learned that too. We use a garbage disposal instead of composting, actually eat food from Walmart and drink gallons of soda. I honestly use gobs of paper towels everyday. We made our own valentines once or twice, but I genuinely prefer store bought with attached candy. Truth be told, most kids do too. Our blueberry waffles are Eggos and never joy filled. We use syrup. Sometimes right from maple trees.
What did I accomplish this week? Nothing compared to Homespun. I managed to not put my shrink at ease (his words), write a letter to the judge, forward Obama an email and create a love book for Valentines day. Saturday I'll teach church school. Sunday we'll go to a Superbowl party.
I did laundry everyday, went grocery shopping, paid some bills and picked the children up from school. I succeeded in feeding them lunch and dinner and didn't resort to fast food, at least not the kind from a restaurant. We had a few play dates and made it to church. These are accomplishments in my world, but don't compare to Homespun Mothers.
I do know one thing they don't. You can give your entire life to your kids, so much that you've none of your own, and your babies can still end up in jail, on drugs or hating you. Believe it or not, as good a mom as you are, as much of your time, heart, soul and life you dedicate, you can end up shunned. I believe you're sure it can't ever happen to you. I know you're wrong. Sweet precious angels grow up.
Despite it all I have a lot to be happy about. My 16 year old tells me he loves me everyday. I'm not getting my hopes up, but a 16 year old who says he loves you is a blessing. I ordered 1200 thread count Egyptian sheets. A necessary purchase as, a few nights ago, I fell asleep with a King size Nestle Crunch bar and it melted all over my legs, chest, pillows, sheets and comforter. I'll bet Homespun Moms never wake covered in chocolate, but we do have a couple things in common. We both blog and love our babies.