BEDOLUTION

You may recall the Nestle Crunch anarchy claimed casualties. Most everything recovered except my sheets. They didn't survive the chocolate insurrection. So I ordered new ones from Egypt. There may be dissension on whom should run the country, but long ago Egyptians reached consensus on cotton. Wisegeek.com says, "Egyptian sheets are the standard in high quality bedding, considered “king of all cottons” due to luxurious feel and durability. It's very breathable and resists piling, as their plants don’t produce much lint," and the more you wash em, the softer they get. Sorta like me, the more I lie here, the softer my butt.

"Egyptian cotton is mostly made from a plant called gossypium barbadense," Wisegeek.com explains. "It can also be from Gossypium hirsutum, another type of cotton plant. Both are native to America and introduced to Egypt in the nineteenth century by Mohammed Ali Pasha, the ruler at the time. He developed them as a cash crop to support his army." Obviously Pasha knew cotton and could probably bounce a quarter off a military style bed.

"Extra long fibers are what makes this cotton so special. Wisegeek continues, "These fibers produce thinner threads...which result in higher thread counts. Thread counts measure the number of threads in one square inch of material. The higher the count, the more luxurious. Because the threads are longer and closer together, these sheets are considered some of the finest available. Properly cared for they'll last decades." Hopefully the same can't be said for me.

As tension and violence erupts in Cairo, I realize Mubarak and I have some things in common. CNN reports, "After a day of intense speculation, Mubarak announced he's delegating power to Suleiman but intends to remain in office." I've renounced power, but intend to stay in bed. He's probably got Egyptian sheets too so he doesn't wanna leave. Can't blame him. Dissidents in Tahrir Square responded to the announcement with chants of "Get out! Get out!" Much the way my kids chant, "Get out! Of bed!"

"Who's really in charge? The military, Suleiman or Mubarak? Nobody knows, but in my bed Egypt's king, V.P. and the forces that be. According to deathandtaxes.com demonstrations "in Cairo have devolved from a humanitarian effort into a dangerous revolution. Forming a veritable democracy in Egypt hasn't proven easy for citizens, as violent Mubarak supporters have taken to Tahrir Square forcing once-peaceful protestors to protect themselves. Egyptians have adopted, with few exceptions, medieval tactics to defend and attack one another." Somebody's cranky, might be nap time.

They've resorted to using meat cleavers, AK-47s with Bayonets and even pliers to rip out fingertips and teeth. It's a fuckin mess. No body's safe, so I rescued a couple sets of 1200 thread count. They've been granted political asylum in Wisconsin. It's much calmer, no Molotov cocktails, or wielding knives. Although we've occasional belligerent combatants and have been known to throw a rock or two, no ones bringing this government down, it's already prone. The most my people ask is to join me under the covers, which I happily oblige. And they're not brandishing rebar. The only bar these Egyptians have to fear is the King Size Nestle.