My friend came in May, then didn't. It returned in July and that was the last time. I thought it was my low BMI, but 7 months later the suddenness crept up. M-e-n-o-p-a-u-s-e. Caught off guard, I'd always thought I'd go through months or years of irregularity. I never thought it'd just stop. Had I known, I would've paid more attention. Maybe wrapped and put the last one under my pillow. You never know what you'll get for the end of fertility.
Trying to see the positive, I figured I probably shouldn't have procreated as much as I did anyway. When your kids grow up and hate you, it kinda makes ya question your life's devotion, but that's another blog indeed. Anyway you look at it, I've contributed more than my fair share. Generally, women look forward to the end of cramps, headaches, bloating, worrying about swimming, wearing white and unplanned pregnancies. All in all, after almost 40 years, it didn't seem so bad.
I've already had no worries of planned, or unplanned, pregnancy for quite some time. I also, luckily, never really had cramps. I don't own white pajamas, only swim when it's hot and mood swings are my personality type. The way I figured, I'd be 5 bucks ahead each month. In hindsight, I realize I might rather be on a gasoline doused rag, sticking burning super extra absorbent up my ass til I'm 90.
Isn't it a tad ironic to lose your sex drive and hair, but gain weight, body odor, vaginal dryness and breast pain? And are you even sure you lost your libido? Maybe you just misplaced it due to memory lapse. Or it could be no body wants to fuck a stinky, bald, fat Ronco dehydrator who pees the bed with boobs too sore to touch. Not kidding, look it up! The permanent cessation of the primary functions of the human ovaries. Is it too late for cramps? Please?
Trying to see the positive, I figured I probably shouldn't have procreated as much as I did anyway. When your kids grow up and hate you, it kinda makes ya question your life's devotion, but that's another blog indeed. Anyway you look at it, I've contributed more than my fair share. Generally, women look forward to the end of cramps, headaches, bloating, worrying about swimming, wearing white and unplanned pregnancies. All in all, after almost 40 years, it didn't seem so bad.
I've already had no worries of planned, or unplanned, pregnancy for quite some time. I also, luckily, never really had cramps. I don't own white pajamas, only swim when it's hot and mood swings are my personality type. The way I figured, I'd be 5 bucks ahead each month. In hindsight, I realize I might rather be on a gasoline doused rag, sticking burning super extra absorbent up my ass til I'm 90.
You may know what's next, if not, hold on, it's comin at ya twice...What the fuck? That's right and I'll forcefully repeat, "WHAT THE FUCK????" Who knew the source of any condition which used to have medical basis and treatment would now be dismissed by the inability to spawn? Menopause is just another way of saying you never have to go to the doctor again. The health insurance industry is really on to something. Once you pull the final plug, the cure is the life stage. Wonder if I my son can score some estrogen?
Wasn't too concerned about hot flashes til, without warning, my toes were overcome with sudden intense heat igniting a spreading inferno during my insomnia. You'd think the massive puddles up my legs, chest and neck would douse the wild fire, but apparently menopausal sweat is more commonly known as lighter fluid. That's no crimson school girl blush, it's a broiling fossil. Did I mention the eternal flame burns for up to 15 fucking years or, in other words, til you're dead? Holy smokes! Never in my life have I been so totally hot yet utterly undesirable.
Wasn't too concerned about hot flashes til, without warning, my toes were overcome with sudden intense heat igniting a spreading inferno during my insomnia. You'd think the massive puddles up my legs, chest and neck would douse the wild fire, but apparently menopausal sweat is more commonly known as lighter fluid. That's no crimson school girl blush, it's a broiling fossil. Did I mention the eternal flame burns for up to 15 fucking years or, in other words, til you're dead? Holy smokes! Never in my life have I been so totally hot yet utterly undesirable.
And that's just the start. If you're sad, anxious, depressed or anxiety ridden, put down that phone...you don't need a shrink, it's simply climacteric. You'll now suffer irregular heartbeats, panic attacks, headaches, joint pain, electric shocks, muscle tension, tingling extremities, dizziness, difficulty concentrating, bloating, brittle nails, osteoporosis and burning tongue???? Burning tongue??? Period soundin pretty good right about now.
How you ever gonna know you're sick? You won't. Cuz you're old, so don't bother the doc
or pester the dentist either cause if your gums are bleedin it's just menopause mouth. And if you're sneezin..blow your nose, the allergist doesn't care. Use your tampon money to stock up on kleenex. My skins itchy, nose is runnin and I still got zits? I'm sorry I gotta at least textese, "WTF !!!" I'd almost rather reproduce or maybe just regurgitate. Oh, that's just my grumbling change of life digestive tract.
All this time we thought we had the curse and were looking ahead to the change. That seems a little backward. Your period's a change. Menopause is a mutation manufactured straight outta hell. And I'm in the hot spot to prove it. Is that not the definition of curse? Thank you Tampon Fairy.
(c) copyright donna maysack 2012, 2013
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(c) copyright donna maysack 2012, 2013
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3 comments:
Hear ya big time Crazy Mama! WTF indeed! Been thru that hell and god, now it’s done. Some stuff that helped me: chocolate (always!), wine (not drunk but just enough to forget if that’s a hot flash or a wine flush!...and being new to this blog, please forgive me if you’re not a drinker), and a little pill I found called RemiFemin made from natural black cohosh. Worked so well never had to take HRT, but that’s not to say there weren’t days I wanted to stick my head in the fridge and leave it there!
Ok so are the symptoms during the first year, start after the first year or just go on til you shoot yourself?
Worse at the start and it can be a real rollercoaster ride but it does get better…the end much better than the start! (Yeah, and before that, you want to shoot yourself!) Seriously though, try Remifemin, it helped me a lot. Also don’t toss out those tampons just yet, you may need them again off and on for a while.
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