DISORDERLY CONDUCT

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) lists currently recognized mental health disorders. I applied them to my life:

Adjustment Disorder: Getting used to not to punching people in the face.
Acute Stress Disorder: When the jeans that fit as tho tailored for your butt cost $380.

Adult Antisocial Behavior: Me
Adverse Effects Of Medication: When you accidentally take your sleeping pills at work or are pulled over doing 85 in a 30.
Age-Related Cognitive Decline: When you can't find your glasses, purse, keys, remote, house or car.
Claustrophobia Without History Of Panic Disorder: Sleeping with 3 kids in a king-sized bed.
Alcohol-Related Disorder: Sounds tempting.
Antisocial Personality Disorder: When you want to punch people in the face.
Avoidant Personality Disorder: Buying without checking the price.
Binge Eating Disorder: This is a disorder? Uh-oh.
Borderline Intellectual Functioning: I don't know what this is, but am pretty sure my 2nd ex suffers from it.
Brief psychotic disorder: When you're insane only half the day.
Cannabis-related disorder: My 1st ex has this. 
Catatonic Disorder: See Claustrophobia Without History Of Panic. 
Clinical Depression:  Life without a Mac.
Communication Disorder: See Clinical Depression.
Delusional Disorder: Wanting to be like Mrs. Duggar
Dementia: Thinking your kids will want to.
Dependent Personality Disorder: The inability to watch TV without a remote.
Depression: Wisconsin.
Disruptive Behavior Disorder: Dinner at our house.
Dissociative Amnesia: I don't have this, but think I want it..
Dissociative Identity Disorder: Forgetting I wish I were Angelina Jolie.
Expressive Language Disorder: FUCK!!!!!
Feeding Disorder Of Infancy Or Early Childhood: When it takes 3 hours for them to finish dinner.
Female Sexual Arousal Disorder: Caused by hating your husband.
Fetishism:  A tale, mom and Mac.
General Adaptation Syndrome: When your son takes up the drums.
Hallucinogen-Related Disorder: Haven't experienced this since I was a teen.
Hygenic Disorder: Showering less than once a week. 
Impulse Control Disorder: When Adjustment Disorder fails.
Intermittent Explosive Disorder: See above.
Kleptomania: A tail, dog and flip-flop.
Major depressive episode: Waiting for iPhone 5.
Mathematics disorder: Having to check the 2nd grade math answer book.
Medication-Related Disorder: Not having enough drugs or high enough dosages.
Motor Skills Disorder: Not being able to resist punching people in the face.
Nightmare Disorder: Loose rodents.
Occupational Problem: I'm sick of workin.
OMFGD: Catching your 5 year old chewing on your Coach bag strap (I made this one up).
Oppositional Defiant Disorder: My dog. 
Parent-Child Relational Problem: Keeping them from wrestling in church.
Partner Relational Problem: Not anymore.
Personality Change Due To Medication Disorder:  I'm hoping.
Personality Disorder: What's your point?
Phase Of Life Problem: When your son's in jail.
Phonological Disorder: Can't find my cell and it makes no sense.
Polysubstance-Related Disorder: Allergy to polyester?
Post-Traumatic Embitterment Disorder: I married him??!!
Separation Anxiety Disorder: When the chocolates gone.
Sexual Desire Disorder: See above in "F"
Shared Psychotic Disorder: When your friends are crazy too.
Sibling Relational Problem: We have a few.
Social Phobia: Refusing to stand in line.
Specific Phobia: Filling out forms.
Tourette’s Disorder: Having no control over what you say to other Wal-Mart customers.
Voyeurism: Window shopping at the Apple store.

(c) copyright donna maysack 2010, 2011, 2012