FREE ME FROM THE GHETTO WITHIN

For those who may be blissfully unaware, I want to preface this by acknowledging the word ghetto, like many words, has evolved and changed from its original definition. These days it's used to describe people, attitudes, culture, clothing, even diction. Yes, the ghetto has expanded and is now so much more. When I was young, many people living there were African American, but for my purposes, I want to make it clear all, those in my ghetto are white. White as toilet paper.

We don't live in the ghetto, yet somehow it lives in my children. I awoke one day to find it in my home. How did I get children from the ghetto? I don't know, but believe it may’ve been lying dormant since birth like a virus or parasite and triggered by a rap song they listened to in junior high. Regardless of where it came from, I need to get rid of it. I wonder if there's something I can spray like ghetto repellent. If there isn't, there ought to be.

My beautiful daughter Mya isn't ghetto, yet is oddly attracted to it. She just rented her first apartment there and promptly informed me her boyfriend, Tre Ghetto, will be her new roommate. My heart was set on a handsome, young resident from the hospital where she works, but now I must come to terms with the fact he'd probly have been put off when, 'Mr.-I-Can't-Wait-Til-I'm-Off-Papers,' answered the door.

So I must settle for the car-stealing, condom-challenged arsonist who, according to Mya, I misunderstand and have much too harshly judged. She's had her share of ghetto boys. First was Jonny Ghetto, a nice felon who never lived in the ghetto either. He grew up in a gated community. I know he makes his dad so proud. Her next, Andre Ghetto, is actually from the ghetto. He broke up with her to have sex with a neighborhood prostitute who gave him herpes.

Her latest, Tre, comes with the extra bonus of Baby and Baby Mama Ghettos. He hasn't told us yet exactly how many of those he has. Who'd have guessed he has honesty issues? Certainly not the other inmates! So hurry honey, run out and get another key made! While you' re at, stop by the landlords and upgrade to the 5 bedroom so you'll have enough room for the kids. A step-mom-girlfriend at 20 years old! Congrats! Before you go, tho, could you take that lighter away from your boyfriend...just kidding...but has anyone seen my car?

In spite of his secrets, Tre's not without aspirations and goals. Recently he was overheard discussing them with coworkers at the Dairy Queen. He plans to complete parole, settle all his paternity suits and get fucked up. What's a white boi without a dream? You may be thinkin what a blessed mom I am, how my cup runneth over, how can one girl be so lucky? Well, I'm here to say I'm doubly blessed with my son Willy.

Ill-Willz’ how he's known in da hood. Illz holds the record amongst all his friends for the most sales of dope to undercover officers. By now you'd think he'd realize he's just not cut out to be a dope dealer, but not my Illz. I didn't raise no quitter. He's dat tall white boi yal met up at da Speedway. Yal said you was good on dem thangs today. Yal should hit him up. I know I'd like to...right upside his head.

Not only is he an entrepreneur, but also highly educated having almost passed sixth grade three times. It's not only academics in which he excels. No! He's street wise and savvy. Recently he explained the guy he met at the Speedway can't be a cop cuz, “He black.”

But Illz, what about the guy with the dreads driving the Lincoln who arrested you six months ago?

Illz has an interesting swagger, necessary because he wears his pants around his knees. To prevent them from fallin to his ankles, he has to keep his feet spread about two feet apart and walk with straightened legs. Since his pants are around his knees, he keeps his butt covered by his size 25x Coogi shirt. For a long time I didn't understand his aversion to public transportation, but finally figured, with the way he wears his pants, it's impossible to board the bus. Illz is a stiff legged walking dichotomy. He has a pocket full of money, but no job, a car, but no license, standards, but no morals, a head but no brain.

You've heard of highly decorated soldiers in the armed forces? Well, my son is highly decorated as well...with home made tattoos. I remember, years ago, sitting behind the defendants table seeing what appeared to be gang symbols tattooed on his wrist. I was horrified. Before they escorted him from the court room I asked, "Are those gang symbols Illz?" He held up his arm so I could see it actually spelled 'WILL' upside down. He'd done it himself and couldn't get the angle quite right.

Since that special day he's added more body art. Special slogans like: 'C.R.E.A.M' (cash rules everything around me) on his neck, 'Mad Man,' written on his wrists, 'OUTLAW,' on his left arm and M.O.B. scrawled across his right. I was a little concerned with that last one. "Organized crime, Illz?" I feared. No...better, it stands for, "Money Over Bitches," He's sure to woo the ladies with that one.

All this has inspired me to create my own line of baby clothes and gear. I figure, if ya can’t beat ‘em, ya might as well profit off ‘em. You've heard of Baby Gap and Baby Phat? Well, my line will be called, 'Baby Ghetto'. Not sold in stores, but out of the trunks of strategically parked Chevy Caprices throughout da hood.

Offering T-shirts with catchy phrases like: ‘Waitin' on the DNA’, ‘White Boi!’, ‘Free Ill-Wills’, ‘My Crib's In Da Hood’, ‘Kickin' It In Da Womb’, and my son-in-laws personal favorite, ‘P.I.M.P.’ (poo in my pants).

We'll also sell baby equipment like strollers with spinning rims, shag carpet covered handles, big fuzzy dice stroller toys, extra large cup holders for your 40 ounce and secret compartments to stash your crack when the cops unexpectedly roll up.

Our diaper bags will have plenty of storage for all the items you find in unlocked cars in the parking lot and our baby carriers will double as holsters. Our slogan? “Functionality has never looked so hood.” With every $50 you spend, we’ll throw in a certificate for free paternity testing!

(c) copyright donna maysack 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013 
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