I've stopped feeding the children.
I truly believe a woman is born with an finite number of meals, much like ova, and guess what? Let's just say we ain't buyin tampons or cookware anymore. I'm postovulatory and from now on intend to lie down as much as possible. Not that I wasn't already, but I'm no longer prone to cook, I'm just prone and can't stand cooking.
They ain't starvin, I still grocery shop, but have decided to give up motherhood with as much reckless abandon as I can find. So if you have any extra, send it to me. I'll still wash their clothes, but not because I'm a good mom. It's just I know they'll break my washer and dryer and I haven't told you about them, but they're fucking awesome.
I occasionally vacuum, clean the tub and toilets, change my sheets and that about covers it. Don't help with homework and actually get pissed off if they ask. I don't even wanna hold up a flash card or sign their daily planners. '-' is my signature, without those two sidelines. Now you know how to forge my name and steal my identity, please? The flat line is my way of signaling their teachers that I'M FUCKING SICK OF SIGNING THINGS! Been signin things for a long fuckin time. Wanna be done.
You know, school's over rated. With all this technology, you really don't need to learn spelling. They should cut that outta the curriculum and replace it with classes for things you need to know like, how to fix mom's rocking chair toilet, hang her fucking cabinet, do her taxes, change her oil, bury her neighbor and cook. Oh, and for gym, they can shovel my fucking driveway. Can ya spell? Neither can they, but what does that have to do with real life?
Stop wasting my tax payer dollars and teach these kids how to get as wealthy as possible and that, in return for pregnancy, labor and my entire life, they're obligated to move out and send large checks I'll happily endorse.
Fourteen walks to school even when it's dark and cold. If he wants a ride, he has to go late. And if someone calls social services, I don't care. Come on in, give me some service. You can keep the social, but serve me please.
Being a homeless, teen mom on welfare conditioned me to fear them. I was scared they'd take my baby, but that was the the early 1800's. I don't like social service people, but nobody's takin these kids. Oh for Christ's sake, why don't they ever take the mom? I was a foster child for a time and it wasn't good, but that was back when it was ok to beat your kids and feed em aspirin. It's gotta be better now. I wanna be a fucking foster-mom-child, not the kind who takes in more kids. Can you imagine that job interview?
I'm too tired to be a mom. I'm like that grandpa who stayed in his room all the time at your bff's house when you were a teen. Your mom let ya go cause there was an adult home, but he didn't have a clue you were smokin pot and blowin some guy in the bathroom downstairs. He couldn't see, hear or walk. I mean, you did that too, right?
That's me and from now on, I'm tellin em I had a sex change while they were at dad's and call me, 'grandpa.' I really don't give a fuck if they're blowing some guy, but if they have weed, they're gonna have to share. I'm just sayin it's been a long, long time since I smoked pot, so why do I still have cotton mouth and the munchies?
Anyway, my vagina scared off google ads. Ok guys, does somebody need to tell me somethin? I mean it's one thing to wave the inappropriate flag for BlogUpp, but google's a fuckin giant.
My tiny, little, stretched to push out 9.5 pounds vagina beat a giant? I don't know if I should feel powerful or stinky. Which is it? Don't answer PJ, I already know mine's not as polished as yours. Do you think Bing could handle her?
Since I can't ever gauge what a normal response is and this flag's in my way, I'm wondering again if it's just me. I've never had one, but an, 'In N Out Burger,' doesn't sound good. It may be all the sexual trauma and parasites I've experienced tho. The imagery, I swear to God, triggers flashbacks. So does the sign. I sucked a bent dick like that once in a downstairs bathroom, no shit.
Anyway, if you bring me one, wrap it in Burger King paper cause then I can be sure it's just horse meat. No onions, k? And wtf? My kids are really well-behaved. I had the most well-mannered inmate in Juvenile Detention from 1996-2000, the warden told me! My bumper sticker read, "My kid Might Not Be On The Honor Roll, But He's The Best Behaved Inmate In Juvey And Can Kick Your Honor Roll Student's Ass!" So where's my 4 bucks? I wanna burger!
I truly believe a woman is born with an finite number of meals, much like ova, and guess what? Let's just say we ain't buyin tampons or cookware anymore. I'm postovulatory and from now on intend to lie down as much as possible. Not that I wasn't already, but I'm no longer prone to cook, I'm just prone and can't stand cooking.
They ain't starvin, I still grocery shop, but have decided to give up motherhood with as much reckless abandon as I can find. So if you have any extra, send it to me. I'll still wash their clothes, but not because I'm a good mom. It's just I know they'll break my washer and dryer and I haven't told you about them, but they're fucking awesome.
I occasionally vacuum, clean the tub and toilets, change my sheets and that about covers it. Don't help with homework and actually get pissed off if they ask. I don't even wanna hold up a flash card or sign their daily planners. '-' is my signature, without those two sidelines. Now you know how to forge my name and steal my identity, please? The flat line is my way of signaling their teachers that I'M FUCKING SICK OF SIGNING THINGS! Been signin things for a long fuckin time. Wanna be done.
You know, school's over rated. With all this technology, you really don't need to learn spelling. They should cut that outta the curriculum and replace it with classes for things you need to know like, how to fix mom's rocking chair toilet, hang her fucking cabinet, do her taxes, change her oil, bury her neighbor and cook. Oh, and for gym, they can shovel my fucking driveway. Can ya spell? Neither can they, but what does that have to do with real life?
Stop wasting my tax payer dollars and teach these kids how to get as wealthy as possible and that, in return for pregnancy, labor and my entire life, they're obligated to move out and send large checks I'll happily endorse.
Fourteen walks to school even when it's dark and cold. If he wants a ride, he has to go late. And if someone calls social services, I don't care. Come on in, give me some service. You can keep the social, but serve me please.
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| Ooh, be careful googling that last phrase. |
Being a homeless, teen mom on welfare conditioned me to fear them. I was scared they'd take my baby, but that was the the early 1800's. I don't like social service people, but nobody's takin these kids. Oh for Christ's sake, why don't they ever take the mom? I was a foster child for a time and it wasn't good, but that was back when it was ok to beat your kids and feed em aspirin. It's gotta be better now. I wanna be a fucking foster-mom-child, not the kind who takes in more kids. Can you imagine that job interview?
I'm too tired to be a mom. I'm like that grandpa who stayed in his room all the time at your bff's house when you were a teen. Your mom let ya go cause there was an adult home, but he didn't have a clue you were smokin pot and blowin some guy in the bathroom downstairs. He couldn't see, hear or walk. I mean, you did that too, right?
That's me and from now on, I'm tellin em I had a sex change while they were at dad's and call me, 'grandpa.' I really don't give a fuck if they're blowing some guy, but if they have weed, they're gonna have to share. I'm just sayin it's been a long, long time since I smoked pot, so why do I still have cotton mouth and the munchies?
Anyway, my vagina scared off google ads. Ok guys, does somebody need to tell me somethin? I mean it's one thing to wave the inappropriate flag for BlogUpp, but google's a fuckin giant.
My tiny, little, stretched to push out 9.5 pounds vagina beat a giant? I don't know if I should feel powerful or stinky. Which is it? Don't answer PJ, I already know mine's not as polished as yours. Do you think Bing could handle her?
@copyright donna maysack 2013
google, yahoo images
google, yahoo images
30 comments:
I wanna give up too, but figure I only have less than a month now until I am no longer responsible so I will wait it out. Maybe when the last one (or in my case, the last two) leave someone comes by and gives you a big check to thank you for feeding, clothing and not killing them. No? Damn I was county on that check!
Someday I am going to not only polish but bedazzle my vagina with glitter.
Not glitter, pj, it gets all over every thing, how bout rubies and diamonds?
You really get mad if they ask for your homework? How old are they?
CrazyMama, I didn’t know you were a foster kid. I was too. Had 2 foster homes in high school. In neither home, did anyone take any interest in me. (Even worse, in one home I had a creepy 21-year-old foster brother who would not keep his hands to himself and when I told my caseworker, nobody gave a crap!!) Hate social services with a passion especially b/c I was a foster kid and I know all about their lousy system!! Btw, In-N-Out Burgers suck and so does their name!! Sending you a Burger King burger thru cyberspace w/extra cheese for having well behaved kids!
I don't understand that bill. Is the 4-buck discount for well behaved kids or "open disc" (whatever that is)?
I've got a long way to go before I can opt out of motherhood and even then he's like my conjoined twin, so I don't think he'll be going anywhere.
Right now, I'd like to opt out of life but again, the motherhood thing is kinda in the way.
Ooh and diamonds and rubies on your vajayjay, is actually called a 'vajazzle.' So pj, you need to vajazzle up your vajayjay, to get that all over polished vag.
Gorilla, It's for well-behaved kids.
JerseyLil, I'm sure my foster care has a lot to do with my hating social services. And I can't eat Burger King anymore. Horse meat just doesn't sit well, but you really think that name is creepy too?
Yes Therese, something about raising 7 kids alone, 33 years of having kids under 10, 2-3 hours a night of homework for a 4th grader, having a heroin addict, criminal and teenagers in general rubs me the wrong way. I really don't believe in homework for elementary aged kids. They're in school over 7 hours a day, that should be enough. Their ages are 8-33. What do you think of the sign?
What do you think of the sign Lily?
You're talking about me. Can I get a high 5 and a spot on the couch? Cause I'm so fucking tired too. Thank god I suck at math, so my kid never asks me to help. Holy shit this is funny! You just have that way with words Mama. Please oh please bring your funny over to my Monday Blog Hop! We need you over there. pass the boxed wine and the tv clicker.
Raising 7 kids alone. You deserve sainthood. And my lottery offer forever stands. I know you think He hates you but I'm praying to Him about you and I'm asking Him to bless you, beyond measure.. Hugs..
Thanks for reading it Mod mom and there's always a spot for you. I thought I was hoppin already, didn't know I had to do it again. Sorry for that.
Well, I'm sure no saint MiMi.
What sign? There's a blackbird looking at me through my window at the moment...is that a sign?
Do you really use that as your signature? If so, then I bow down to your greatness!
The In 'N-Out,' sign Lily. Yes that is my signature. I've signed one too many planners and field trip notes. Did you get my email?
Homework does suck and it pisses me off too. I mean, why can't they give them homework they know how to do? And after spending 7 hours in school all day why don't they know how to do it? Being a mom is crazy hard and I feel the urge to run all the time. LOL And I don't like being tricked and I was tricked. My first child was so good, great kid, kept herself busy, never a trouble at all. So then like 11 years later I'm thinking, "kids aren't so tough, I want another one" Tricked I tell you. My daughter Haley is completely the opposite of her big sister and this mom thing is a job. LOL I love her and all, she is spoiled rotten and she behaves good in public. LOL but I'm tired. 42 and tired. :)
I know what you're saying Jennifer
Found your blog from Lily's blog. You are funny! I just clicked on a random post and read.
I have four kids, ages 19,16,14, and 6. I was so gung ho 19 years ago, but after 19 years at the same job, sometimes I feel like quitting. Can you really quit motherhood? I mean my poor 6 year old will get assed out of the whole deal.
I 100% am with you on the quitting cooking.I've started to resort to just throwing miscellaneous items into the crockpot and calling it a meal. One dish wonder, I make up and name for it, and dinner is served.
And the homework signing. YOU HAD ME CRACKING UP on the signature. Forge it!!!! PLEASE!!!!
OH MY GOD!! I just had to add this. As soon as I was done writing my comment, I swear to you, my six year old came and snuggled next to me, and said "Mama, I'm hungry!"
"But Honey, Mommy is busy commenting about how she wants to quit cooking"
Hahahaha thanks for the laugh J.R. It's nice when someone can relate and crock pot is the best they get!
Love it as much this time as I did last time. And I'm still tired. And hey, you posted this on my birthday. Must be a sign. lol
I could have totally written this post - it wouldn't have been nearly as funny or had as many curse words, but still. I'm going to stop cooking dinners from now on and tell my kids you told me I could.
Thank you Dana. I tried to find your blog, but don't see it.
Thanks. Now I can't get that damn song outta my head. "One less...bell to answer...one less...ova to fry..." ;)
I'm sorry Linda, I didn't even remember I posted it before.
Im happy we made it past sixth grade math which is where my expertise stopped. They get older and move on...well behaved or not. Glad mine is older now! Love him but from a distance is great.
This is true, Zoe, my oldest is 33. So for 33 years. I've had kids under age 10 at home. Lots of homework.
Haaaaaaaaaaaaa! That's all I can say.
Well Susannah, at least you're not crying for me.
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