HOT CROSS MUM

I made a sandwich outta my gun and aimed it at my mouth.

I got charged with a hate crime. White on white bread.

I'm just kidding, I don't make lunch.

I wanna grow Benjamin trees in pay dirt.

Then, when it's rainin men, I'll reap what I ho.

In my house I'm never alone unless I'm cleaning.

Do you know the muffin top man?  He married Camel Toe.

They're a lovely couple, but don't discipline their kids. They spared Rib

(it was a typo on the birth certificate) but just as well cuz what would you do with a spare Rod?

At least their other kid's named, "Tire,"  but he's got love handles and drinks too much at the Crow Bar.

I want the princess to give vaginal birth to a really pointy crown.  Push out that baby bump and name her Episiotomy Scar.

Don't feel picked on.  I hate everyone.

Felons are crafty and send them to their moms.

Most socks end up divorced within the first the first year of mating.

Alumni was my son's former board. It was a bad break up.

His newest is a "Deathwish."

I sorta thought we covered that with Alumni.

I mean, do we have to advertise for it?

I wonder if Deathwish car company would stay in business?

Would you get on a ship made by them? I would.

But that's because if I had 3 wishes I'd wish for death and give the other 2 away.

It's on my Christmas list this year.

Dear Santa, I'm tired.  Please bring me a gun or just kill me.  I'll leave you cookies either way. Blame Vixen, she's a bitch.

Can Suri Cruise book a cruise or is she not permitted to do that?

Speaking of books, I just read that a novel virus is spreading beyond the Middle East.  If it gets on Kindle Fire, that should kill it.

I'm gonna buy all the Nerf Ammo I can find and do drive bys on people who don't move out the street when you're driving by.  I'm not kidding.  In Madison, people don't know what sidewalks are for.

Body art is really cool and beautiful and I'm not.  But I don't want to see smelly crevices, cunts or boobs painted or bare.  Sorry, but I'm grossed out with body art and think canvas works just as well.  It looks awesome, but my mind always goes to hairy butt holes and microscopic poo and then art just doesn't justify gross.

A room of purple elephant trunk dicks and the paint brush that touched boogers and vaginal oil glands creeps me out.  I see it looks cool, but did I mention a novel virus spreading across the world?   Please don't comment.  I know how uncool I am. But I'm old and that's even better, cuz I say whatever I want and don't give a fuck what you think.

I mean that's beautiful and amazing, but if it were on paper, we could hang her.

Seventeen uses the phone I pay for to text his dad what a lousy mom I am.

I proved him right and turned it off.

My aunt was arrested for cyber stalking celery.

They knew it was her cuz she left a trail of peanut butter and raisins leading to her blog.

I hate living in a conscience state.

And don't give me your sob stories about coma induced loved ones.

Give me a coma, I don't care if I drool,

And I know you can hear in a coma, but I don't listen now so that doesn't matter.

Many of my suicidal tendencies gave way to homicidal fantasies.

The shrink says it's all ok as long as there's no concrete plans.

Concrete gave way to boulders.

You know why they didn't name that  game show, "Are You Smarter Than A Teen Ager?"

Because everybody is and the only ones who don't know are teens.

Waking up wasn't a good idea today.

My 8 year old watches Super Nanny marathons so she can see what nice mommies are like.

Forget puberty, plungers in the hands of teens who always wanted to beat mom in arm wrestling are what men are made of.


(c) copyright donna maysack 2013
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