Ok I want the fuckin GLAAD Award, I know it's the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation and I'm not gay, but I'm open. Anderson Coopers's winnin and I bet has a boyfriend. If he deserves an award for being attracted to men then I want one too. I'm as open as it gets, I'm attracted to men, even gay ones. I may actually have been married to one, so I really got this over Anderson. And, by the way, aren't lesbians gay? Why isn't this HLAAD award?
This guy is hot whether he's gay, straight or duck face. But I can duck ass. Award me.
I'm openly homicidal and attracted to inflicting pain on most customer service reps, teachers, principles and their secretaries, ex's I was dumb enough to marry, and anybody who cans tomatoes. That last one only counts if you blog like you own it better than Campbell's. It doesn't count if you're old and been doin it 40 years, just if you're a vegan, organic bitch who can't imagine Del Monte in a pinch.
Tomato canners are not pickin up the phone being threatened. They tend gardens because they're serene. Ya don't tend to scrapin by. You tend to havin so much you can grow and brag. Not necessarily money, but you have a lot of somethin, peace, love, a hubby, support, somethin.
I'm stressin over bills, not tendin to em. See the difference? You're serene if you aren't poor, have quiet alone time and don't have to pretend ATF is the new 3D mod during your kid's play date. Oh Josh, you never saw SWAT in Minecraft? Just build some redstone and duck. Look's so real!
Award me I haven't stuck a crochet needle in your eye if you named your baby any brand of body lotion. Niveah. Neevah, Niveah. Even if you spelled it backwards and it's, 'Heaven,' to you, it sounds like tihs to me. That includes Jergans, Avveno, Ahvenah, Avvehoi Olay, Olaya, Chanel and even Nachel. Kcuf uoy!
And don't have the audacity to get pissed when we call Niveah, 'Navahea'. THIS IS YOUR FAULT. Your kid doesn't even know which it is. She answers to em all. Get used to it. Ya shoulda left it on the shelf cause it's ain't a good look, it's moisturizer! Now she's a clean up in aisle 8, dumb ass.
What's her sister's name, Sauve? Or is it the new, 'Z' tread? Baby names, beginning with, 'Z,' spelled the same, but pronounced differently and you gotta guess. Cause mom, who expresses her cool, creativity through her baby name and toe nails, expects you to know Za-ni-a is not Zinna or Za-na-ia. It's Zinnah. Get it right or she might kick, or at least scratch, your ass.
I'm openly a bitch, wrote the book and will throw it at you, I can't even stop being a bitch when I want to anymore and the party's in my pocket, Spiked Punch.
I'm openly unfit. And should be in a ward. I don't belong out here in society who laughs at poo, finds parking spaces, loves, loves, loves snow, pretends it's funny to be stuck in your driveway, can afford vacations, actually wants to shower, put on clothes, stands in line and small talks about the weather, Bucky Badger or Hollywood. We have conceal carry now, ya know. So don't ask me a question unless you want the answer and it won't fit in society.
I openly don't give a fuck or have one to give. I'm being held celibate against my will. Yes always means yes! Dammit! And don't complain about my tits and balls Gorilla. If this bitch can get married, I can get laid. I'm being defamed and discriminated against. So move over Anderson, since you're proudly out of the closet, there's room for us all.
(c) copyright donna maysack 2013