Maybe I been felon's mom too long, but I can think of a lot of other things to do when 7 pounds of free pot accidentally shows up on your kid's birthday. The first is call Jesus, not the cops. All you have to do is thank Him, the cops will want it back. Sing hallelujah.
If God sent me 7 pounds of pot, I'd get high, make some brownies, maybe some money, buy a pipe, watch cartoons and eat pixie sticks. I love those things. And when the thugs rolled up, I'd lie, "I don't know what you're talkin bout. Wanna brownie?" What are they gonna do? Go to the cops for their potpourri?
I just don't rattle easy, must be a by-product of my life, but 7 pounds of magic pot is God's way of sayin, "Go forth, find a lighter, happy birthday and grow up bitch. Your birthday cake's gonna be so good. A startling find in a FedEx box is a severed hand, weapons or photos of your last threesome. Pot's not startling, it's mellow.
If my kids were smokin, I'd try to stop em, but if the FedEx guy brought it, I'd call it a date. Do you know how many people are hopin FedEx brings em a joint, let alone 7 pounds? Best thing I ever got delivered was Culver's and I had to pay. I haven't smoked pot since I was a slut, but would if it came in the mail.
Suing Homemaker is scared what's gonna happen when the 'ganja gangsters,' who later showed up lookin for it and were arrested, return. She says her kids are afraid to stay home alone. Well, first of all, why'd ya tell your kids? Cuz you're an idiot, see I told ya, I'm gonna win. And the 'gangsters' are lookin for the asshole who got the address wrong. 'Ganja gangsters,' really only start to get pissed around the $100,000 mark, don't ask how I know, but you don't have anything they want. You gave their potpourri to the cops, so unless ya got some kick ass Febreze, they ain't comin back.
You been watchin too much tv. She agreeed to be blindfolded and put in the van. We hear a lot about kids are these days, but the past few weeks have opened my eyes. Moms are pussies. Chill out. 7 pounds of pot isn't startling, it's just a box of weed and how do ya know your daughter didn't want that shit?
(c) donna maysack 2013